Hi Reader!
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Discomfort rears is ugly head at the most inopportune times. Right when you’re about to hit that PR or the twisting feeling in your gut before you have to tell a hard truth.
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Chances are the transformative breakthrough you’re looking for is down a long road of discomfort. The reality is: the only way out is through.
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Last month, I spent 8 days sea-kayaking 50 miles in Prince William Sound, Alaska. This was with a group of strangers, off the grid. What that meant was a non-stop hauling of sea-kayaks in and out of the water, fetching water, preparing food, setting up and breaking down tents, and trying to get some sleep on a too thin sleeping pad. We did by Alaska standard’s enjoy some “type two fun” which is “sweet to remember but hard to endure”.
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The first few days were a challenging adjustment. What’s interesting is that, this is suffering I chose to take and suffering that occupied my mind and body enough that it allowed me to overcome a major block in my life. I did this (unknowingly) while at camp, weeping in front of this same glacier (Meares Glacier) pictured above. Suffering has a way of moving things like glaciers slowly building until a huge chunk breaks off and an opening appears. It was not just the challenge of this trip that caused that opening but the growth over time in other areas of my life building to this moment. I have always believed that prolonged time outdoors is like advanced therapy. We’re able to drop all of the things we’re carrying in life for a while and become something wholly different. The wholly different thing I emerged as carries the knowledge: that I have inherent value.
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My takeaways from this trip:

1. My own ability to lead is determined directly by my ability to lead myself. Questions include: Have I been voicing my needs? Are my needs being met?

• This was a particularly painful experience to reckon with because I believe I am a pretty clear and open communicator. This is not the case when it comes to uncertain situations and new people. I’ve reflected on this and I realize this pattern carries over to my life back home with friends and family. I will always put someone else's needs and preferences before my own. This is a tricky way that long term experiences with pleasing people continue to sneak up on me, even when I’ve believed I’ve moved beyond. This means withholding needs and opinions for the sake of others.
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• Turns out when you are everything to everyone - you leave no room for yourself.
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• This does not mean to stop loving other people, to stop giving, it means ensuring that you feel safe enough to be honest without failing with the people in your life (this includes being honest with yourself about what you need).

2. I am a fan of creative conflict

• The idea that conflict can be creative instead of exclusively destructive is something I can logically understand but had never really contemplated deeply enough to trust.
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• Creative conflict means being willing to be honest about your needs and to know that the way the other person reacts is outside of your control. When there is a reaction (whatever it may be) giving enough space for it to sit, and to think differently about how we might approach working together through challenging topics with others.
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• Running towards potential conflict is the path to growth but considering this as a creative and opening force - one that helps us better understand each other - makes the process meaningful instead of something to be avoided. As someone who deals with C-PTSD this is especially important to sit with (because given the choice I will avoid conflict at all costs - including at my own expense).

3. Practice patience, reciprocity.

• People need time and space to open up. Immediate connections are not a given, especially in an unforgiving and unfamiliar environment. Also, if you need connection or silliness, or curiosity and you aren’t seeing it in the group - take the leap and begin to contribute the things you need. You may be surprised to find that by placing yourself in this position of service, in a small way, helps you get out of your own head, and allows others to feel more comfortable.

4. No downsides

• One of the folks on our trip was a super upbeat mountain climber and extreme sports athlete. He would often say that there were “No downsides”. Maybe his philosophy may seem a bit extreme to some - but it helped me - as long as we are alive there are “No downsides”. Yes, there will always be suffering, but there will also be joy. We are beyond lucky to experience all of it. Or as Joni Mitchell sings, "Something's lost but something’s gained in living every day.”

5. Buy a thicker sleeping pad

• Your body will thank you.

Reflections

• What does not being forthcoming about your needs cost you? What does it cost the group?
• How do you handle situations of uncertainty or adversity? Who are you then?
• What are your immediate needs and how can you ensure they are addressed for the benefit of the whole?

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