Hi Reader!
How frequently do you find yourself anxious around having a difficult conversation?
Do you notice how much of that anxiety lives in the lead up?
Here are some of the worries that may be lurking in your mind:
- What if I’m wrong?
- What if I upset this person?
- What if I embarrass myself?
- What if I get emotional?
- How will this conversation impact this person’s perception of me?
- What if this conversation ruins our working relationship?
Are there any I missed? ;)
You are human. These are normal thoughts that occur before approaching a challenging conversation. They are reflective of care and consideration of the other person and the outcome. These thoughts also stem from a fixed mindset and one that mirrors our own experiences in navigating conflict. They stem from the assumption that this challenging conversation is the final conversation, that by opening up a dialog to express a need - we are also slamming the door shut on growth and opportunity as well.
Our anxious thoughts can sometimes be successful at convincing us that it’s best to avoid the conversation until the need goes away. Unfortunately, for the most important things in life, our needs will never go away.
Having difficult conversations on a regular basis requires practice and a desire for honesty and respect for our needs. It requires an acknowledgement that difficult conversations are part of life and a healthy relationship with standing up for our needs and those of others, will help us grow. On a personal note, the only thing that has helped me in confronting my own fear with difficult conversations is to sit with myself and ask “What do I need?”, to remind myself that I’m allowed to have needs and then to schedule the call asap.
A common reasons for avoiding a difficult conversation is the belief that we can kick our needs down the road to spare other’s feelings. When we do this, we often neglect our own needs as well. The longer the conversation is avoided the more room for misinterpretation. This is where the pain magnifies far beyond that of the actual conversation. All of a sudden a whole narrative is built around something that may have been minor and now feels insurmountable. The intention of sparing feelings ends up demanding a much heavier mental tax.
Are you willing to pay for it?
Here are a few things that are true about difficult conversations:
- They are conversations, which means that we are in-relationship with the person we are speaking with. We need to perform equal parts listening and working to understand, even if it means hearing something that makes us uncomfortable. This is part of the process.
- Difficult conversations, like all conversations are entry points, they are not as black and white as we make them out to be. Think of a conversation as opening a door, which leads to further discussion. When we are in relationships with other people we are always in-process. The inconvenient truth? We have to be willing to be in-process to be our best meaning selves while also being vulnerable with others and giving them the space to do the same.
- The biases and perspectives we bring to the conversation impacts how we can show up. Plan to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding on a day when you are not also getting over the flu or have just lost a big client. For example: Ask yourself before a difficult conversation:“What else is impacting me emotionally right now in my life?” “What other situations are similar to this one that I’m relating this conversation to?” “Do I have enough energy to be fully present in this conversation?”
- Your body will react. Difficult conversations trigger our flight / fight / freeze / fawn responses. Our brain has a hard time distinguishing between a heated conversation and a threat to your life. Awareness of how your body reacts in moments like this can help you employ strategies before, during and afterwards to support you. For example: If you know that your palms will sweat or you’ll get warm - bring an iced drink with you to hold on to and bring your body into the present moment.
Some tips I’ve found to be helpful in navigating difficult conversations:
- Prioritize connection, acknowledge how you’re feeling and acknowledge your counterpart
- Loop, repeat what just heard back to your counterpart and allow them to confirm your understanding If the tension is building too quickly - Slow down, don’t fall into the trap of rushing through the conversation to move away from discomfort.
- Realize you are bothering to go through a challenging conversation and conflict because you care about the person and the outcome.
- Assume good intent - Even when things are difficult and a big mistake has been made, assume that the other party is doing their best.
- Remember that you’re human and you will not get it perfect - neither will the other party - so leave room to stay curious.
Keep doing the hard work of staying in communication. It’s critically important that we build the capacity to come together instead of moving further apart.
Reflections:
What is the most difficult conversation you ever had at work? What about it made the conversation difficult?
What do you notice about yourself and how does your body react - when you’re having a difficult conversation?
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